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hi everyone!! it’s your pal KAY LOVELACE.

i don’t post here that often anymore seemingly, follow me on twitter at @neoeno if you would like to keep up with me!

disturbing hand trix

wowwww ok

so:

+ my commitment is pretty low rn. i’ve been missing a lot of stuff, just because there’s more interesting stuff to do. i think maybe i’ve become busier than i’ve ever been before

and maybe that means i have to start saying no to things. finally! i’ve never really had to do that before.

recently read ‘getting things done’ rephrased as ‘not getting things done’, e.g. you can just decide not to do a lot of things! which seems good

i have an idea that maybe being ‘busy’ is just a symptom of change — people can pretty much deal with a steady amount of stuff, regardless if it’s a lot or not much. but when it goes up or down dramatically then stuff goes wrong.

all that said — my flat is really full of cardboard and i need to sort my shit out. i’m in danger of becoming one of those people who are brilliant but who can’t manage their own lives u kno. honestly. i can see 15 cardboard boxes from where i’m sitting.

+ work/life balance is really weird lately. i’m literally so absorbed in my job that i want to do it in my free time. which is fine but like… the cardboard. also i feel like it sets me up for a fall a little bit? like i should be using my time better too.

+ i might start thinking about my professional development. i think maybe i’d like to be a bit more known. maybe talk at some things, maybe write some stuff, etc etc. i think maybe i’ll find some things i can say worth hearing, or learn some. it’ll be cool maybe.

+ i learned a bunch about closures today! woo!!!!

just me looking awkward cute with my white balance sheet

+ new cohort tomorrow! woo i’m an educator

+ also now i think i have a better idea what software design is and how we do it! woo

+ saw some cool people in the last 7 days! woo

+ woo

ok bye!!!

still level: photograph

+ commitment tracking is going well — 100% so far! which isn’t the point but still. clawing back self-trust bit by bit. need to start putting some more stuff in there

+ i still really feel like i want short hair. i’m still not making any immediate plans to do so

+ i discovered something i wrote about being a software dev back when i was a mere 14 years of age. it reads fairly comically to me now. i posted it because it’s fun to post these things i think: me at 14 sitting in a dark room writing about everything not everything

+ saw my pal this weekend! it was neat

+ my mouth hurts. i’ve bought some new new toothpaste to see if that makes any difference. maybe

+ i’m DISTRACTABLE

BYE

lately i’ve become really interested in short hair again but i can’t decide if i’ll get short hair again and hate it so i’m just going to try putting my hair up more and see if i can be happy. i feel like i look a bit fem here somehow???? i mean it’s not like instantly masc so.

i’ve been changing a bunch of stuff. feel like i’m in a real growth phase. examples:

• I’ve realised my main life issue right now is not being able to trust myself to do things I resolve to do. as such i’ve decided to focus on this and keep track of all the things i tell myself to do and whether i do them. e.g.

that’s the percentage of things i’ve said I’ll do that I’ve actually done. doing pretty well so far today! the important thing is to focus on that specific thing. if i can trust myself again i think i will feel better.

• work is getting a bit easier, i think

• i realised my exercise routine, which was supposed to be making my mental health better, was making it worse. so i’ve ditched it entirely. we’ll see if it gets resumed in a happier form. hopefully as i learn commitment again i’ll feel more ready for routines like that.

• I’ve started writing again, more casually, on medium. just small stuff, low commitment but i think it’ll make me feel good and owt over nowt and all that. here’s one:

you are watching me through my laptop camera. i love you nsa agent i love you and i don’t want cover you with a folded-up post-it note i just wish you would tell me who you are. please arrive at my door tomorrow at 7pm. we can leave. we can go away and you can tell me about what you’ve seen and then we’ll smash our laptops and our phones and then buy new ones and then smash them too like that scene in that godard film where they crash the car and the lights are all different colours

maybe you’re a robot by now but please still come please please please i won’t be disappointed i promise

feels much happier, freer, more fun, like when i was writing do you believe in lief after loev.

anyway check me out if you want https://medium.com/@neoeno